Ask Giz: Scratched Records, Ass Tattoos, and Cellphone Fetishes [Askgiz]

An unfortunate electronics-based ass explosion. A confused lad with dirty vinyl. A relationship doomed by a ringtone. This week’s questions tortured us for minutes, but we recovered. And we came up with answers.

First in our inbox: a foreign student in need.

I am a messy student living in Belgium, and I like listening to LPs on my moderate/shitty audio system: It’s comprised of a 10-year-old, 80-watt amp, a $40 preamp, and a 30-year-old Panasonic turntable I inherited. Some weeks ago a given Grooteclaes fell off my wall and onto the turntable while it was playing a valuable LP. Glass was everywhere, but the record looked OK. I cleaned up, and tried to play the record again, but the needle kept bouncing off the disc. I sprayed some compressed air on it, but nothing changed. Here’s my question: Since there may well be some glass particles within the grooves, would it be dangerous to wipe it down?

Grooteclaesed in Geraardsbergen

Grooteclaesed-

At first we thought a Grooteclaes was a mythical creature, but then we actually looked it up. Translation for the remaining of you: artwork. Hubert Grooteclaes was a Belgian photographer of some regard. So we’re guessing that our Belgian buddy had a framed photo fall on his record player.

Dude, you might want to had been CRANKING that TC Matic .

Anyway, the question handy is whether the scholar in question should wipe his record down. Uhm… who cares. Firstly, Groot, you’re right that wiping down the record could damage it further. While you really wanted to wash it, we’d suggest running it under water to rinse the glass out. After that, some enthusiasts recommend attaching it to a drill bit and spinning it dry. Seriously!

But dude, it’s a record, and you live in Europe. You may have Spotify ! Let go of the past and wise up: You have got a golden opportunity here. Literally.

Now that you simply’re lacking some wall candy, spray-paint your record gold, hang it on the wall, and faux you’re a successful record producer. Pick up a group of shutter shades and a couple fur pillows, and you’ll be KILLIN’ it with the Flemish ladies. For sure, you’ll may want to upgrade that hand-me-down stack to finish the appearance. Once you’re at it, get a shark tank.

Speaking of ass, our next letter is… uh… well… Just read.

A few years ago, my cellphone battery exploded while it was in my pocket, seriously burning my backside. I’m OK, but I do have a scar on my right buttcheek. I need to get a tattoo to cover it up-what should I get inked on my ass?

Please help,
Assblasted

Assblasted-

First off, we hope that you just sued the pants off of whatever company’s phone blew up your ass. ( *cough* *cough* LG *cough* ) And, with that in mind-and your lawsuit dough in hand-don’t you’re thinking that a tat is thinking a little bit small? Go for something cooler. Have a bottle opener implanted for your cheek, or perhaps a slot for an RFID credit card so you would just butt-bump the register to pay for the whisky you have to every night to push back the demon dreams of exploding telecommunications.

But OK, it’s been a couple years. Once you’ve already spent your settlement cash on narcotics and therapy, it’s essential turn to ink. To handle the psycological issues, you will have something permanently etched in your ass that can never explode and cause you harm: So mothers and love interests are out. And a dolphin would just make you seem like a stripper. There’s just one choice, really: the Zune logo . No Zune has ever exploded-probably because no Zune has ever been turned on more than a few times.

Finally, we turn to perhaps our saddest reader in need. This poor girl’s love life has been twisted into a perverted vortex of consumer electronics. Read on, in the event you can:

My boyfriend sleeps together with his phone. Not just by the bedside, but inside the bed. It’s style of understandable because he works on Wall Street and infrequently has to react in no time to foreign markets, however it gets form of weird after we’re making love. Not only will he not just ignore the phone, but he grabs it and seems to get even more turned on-he makes this face. It’s really creepy.

What can I do?
Sleeping with Silicon Valley

Hey Sleeping,

What the hell are you complaining about? Erectile dysfunction is a $2.9-Billion market, and your man’s soldier salutes on call for $69.99 a month. Plus you get unlimited mobile-to-mobile calling! You shouldn’t just humor him, it’s essential to call him. Repeatedly. Does *66 still work? If not, outsource. There are call centers all over the world you are able to contract to dial his phone repeatedly between the hours of 11:00 and 11:15PM. And remember, that phone vibrates too-get in on the action!

If you’re still having trouble accepting the phone as a bedroom buddy, you could have faith in changing the ringtone. Marvin Gaye is looking ; he says to shut up and get busy!

If you have got an issue that only Gizmodo can answer, well, that sucks. But a minimum of it is easy to email us: askgiz@gizmodo.com . We’ll address three questions every Wednesday.

Illustration by Gizmodo illustrator Sam Spratt . Investigate cross-check Sam’s portfolio and become keen on his Facebook Artist’s Page .

Source

This post is tagged: enthusiasts, glass particles, golden opportunity, living in belgium, mythical creature, record player, Turntable