Ask Giz: Four Loko Frenzy, Budget Sextapes, and an Identity Crisis [Askgiz]

a pal turned drunken thief. A couple in the hunt for some on-camera action. A digital dater racked with shame. You seem guilty, this week, readers. But our consciences are filthy too-all aboard the empathy train. It’s time for healing.

Hey Giz-

Last weekend I drank like eight cans of Four Loko at a party and got hammered. I don’t really remember, but I have to’ve grabbed a couple Xbox games from the apartment that was hosting the party because I awoke with my clothes on with Two Worlds and Leisure Suit Larry : Box Office Bust shoved down my pants. Do I return the games and risk ruining this friendship or just pretend it never happened?

Thanks,
Too Loco

Uh, Loco,
This can be a case for the ol’ pro-and-con list:

Situation 1: You come the games.
Pros
• Clean-ish conscience
• You’re rid of two lousy games
Cons
• Earn a rep for being a drunk thief
• Admit that, to your true state of being (in vino veritas, dude), you stole probably the most losery games it is able to ever be possible to steal.
• Remind your mates that they own the two most losery games this side of Oblivion.

Situation 2: You Keep Quiet
Pros
• OH WHO EVEN CARES? ARE YOU ACTUALLY PREPARED TO ADMIT THAT YOU JUST STOLE TWO WORLDS AND LEISURE SUIT LARRY?

Seriously, Hoss, just throw that crap down a storm drain and don’t look back. You could have bigger things to fret about. Namely, that you just drank eight cans of Four Loko.

Do you’ve got any idea what’s in that stuff? It’s like pounding an RBV and then snorting the runoff from a nuclear power plant. It’s so filled with caffeine, taurine, guarana, that it’s a miracle you even fell asleep to wake up and find the two worst Xbox titles in history shoved down your freaking pants. Really man, we’d be more worried about having strangled someone on the way in which home than jacking a couple 360 games. Have you checked local news stories for reports of a crazed man roaming around, humping a replica of Red Dead Redemption?

Dear Gizmodo-

I don’t really understand how to claim this so I’ll just say it: my girlfriend and I wanna make a sextape. We’ve never done that before, and we don’t wish to spend too much money, but we’d like the overall product to peer okay. What sort of gear will we need?

Appreciate it,
Camera Shy

Shy! No use to be shy. We couldn’t be more thrilled together with your decision. There is basically no way this can emerge as on Giganews in 90 days. No possibility at all. Very safe place, this ironclad Internet.

Now, though NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER SEE THIS, you’re going to need to make yourselves look as attractive as possible. You know, for memories and stuff-under no circumstances because we fully expect to be streaming this off YouPorn in 58 days or anything. So yeah, attractive. You know who knows attractive? The wizards of Web video at Gawker.TV .

They say that an important thing when shooting a low budget sex tape is lighting. Bad lighting will make even the most up to date people look horrible. The masters of streaming cinema recommend a cheap $600 3 light box light kit , to diffuse the cruel lighting that creates hard shadows and makes your skin seem like raw-bacon-colored plastic.

Too expensive? Shoot on your bathroom, where ample bulbs, shiny surfaces, and mirrors will provide a pleasant even glow. When you don’t already have a camera, you could possibly keep it relatively cheap and still get a pleasant 720p-is-for-porn image with a 4GB Flip UltraHD . But do NOT use that smartphone: the danger of accidentally uploading to YouTube isn’t definitely worth the convenience. Hello, mom! So, best of luck you two, and, when you’d wish to run a rough cut past us, you’ve got the email address.

Hi Giz-

I finally broke down and tried out online dating. I put numerous work into making certain my profile reflected who I am, but I was really nervous about privacy stuff so I used another person’s pics (really dumb I know). Now I’ve been talking with this guy online for ages and he wants to fulfill! Help, I don’t know what to do!

Please help,
OK Stupid

Okay, OK.
Congratulations. You’re the explanation plenty of people skip that scene. But we’re not your mom, and we’re not likely to scold you for tainting what’s otherwise an attractive decent solution to effortlessly flirt and maybe have sex with a stranger. Seriously, though, you’ve dug yourself into a deep and lonely hole here.

If you two are becoming along in addition as you assert you’re-talking about your favorite Jack Johnson albums or whatever-then you definately ought to come clean. Who’s to assert you’re even bad looking? Maybe he wasn’t super physically interested in the old picture anyway and was just pursuing the conversation because you two clicked. The ” I’ve lied to you about a tremendous aspect of who I am” thing might take some getting used to, yeah. But consider it your first test as a couple. If he can forgive you for that, you two are set.

Actually, who are we kidding. You have two options: pursue a relationship based on furry conventions and cosplay dates until you two are madly in love with each other’s sick perversions, or fake a terrible car accident. Show up with bandages around your face, and then, in a few months, unwrap the gauze and be amazed that you simplyr face came out looking totally normal-if different. Wanna really sell it? Hire an actor to pose as a physician and rent out a medical office. Invite him to come back with you if you ” see your face for the first time.” Can you cry on command?

What’s that? Too elaborate? Sociopathological? We thought you were in love!

If you’ve gotten a matter that only Gizmodo can answer, well, that sucks. But in any case you could possibly email us: askgiz@gizmodo.com . We’ll address three questions every Wednesday.

Source

This post is tagged: camera action, consciences, leisure suit larry, nuclear power plant, storm drain, xbox titles