Like Google But Slower: I am going to Solve Your Problems [Live] [Ask Giz]

You’ve gotten problems. I am the solution. For two hours I will be able to reveal your hidden solutions, shine a guiding light in the course of the tangle of love, and will let you find drivers to your USB devices. In real time. This has begun.

While my oracular acumen is second to-wait, I have to divine-only 312 others currently on this sphere, I am but a mortal, with a supermortal’s limitation. Thus i’ll call on you, the audience (or ” crowd,” in case you work as a social marketing bullshitter), for answers that I am too busy, too ignorant (by choice!), or too lazy to respond to.

If you have got a difficulty that should be solved within the next 120 minutes, email a succinct encapsulation of your predicament to ” askgiz@gizmodo.com” , where it will likely be considered and summarily addressed or dismissed.

As here is the first edition of this permutation of Ask Gizmodo, I actually have ” primed” the ” pump” by opening the floor to my Twitter follower ” army,” currently operating at 0.0011 ” Biebers” .

Q. A. Lima (A. is his or her initial! That this makes ” Q” & ” A” is barely happenstance!) writes: Don’t wanna pay off-plan price for a new phone; don’t wanna subscribe to a contract either.

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – That’s time as a way to move to a prepaid phone or ” burner” which can be sold at Wal-Mart (I refused to kill a superbly good hy-phen) or your local bodega-class retailer. I believe you could not find this answer satisfactory as all those phones are total shit.

HOWEVER it has come to my attention that Cricket has recently started selling a fairly priced, moderately not-covered-in-its-own-filth Android phone, the Huawai (God Huawai) Ascend for $130 .

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Q. Jake MG says his problem is ” IBS and intellectual superiority. Please help.”

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – MENTOR YOUR BOWELS IN CHESS. You may be blessedly inferior when they master ” Gentleman’s Checkers” ; upon winning your bowels can have something to believe in in spite of everything.

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IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT I TRAVELED TO THE COFFEE SHOP WITH YESTERDAY’S UNDERWEAR STUFFED BEHIND ONE KNEE OF MY JEANS. What will we divine from this portent? THAT YOU COULD ASK QUESTIONS INSIDE THE COMMENTS. I could even respond to them.

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DO YOU WILL HAVE ME TO TALK TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE? If they seem to be a person and not a company to whom you want to send a message but have not the scrote, I am available for PROBLEM SOLVING BY BELL’S CURSE.

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Q. Sabriel Hand (I know!) writes: ” I dont have a complex Celestial Dragon like Temeraire to assist fly me from Macau to Istanbul and since I was concerned with the space and landscape interested by the sort of journey as I hearken to Naomi Novik’s third book whiling away drudgery at work I assumed I would see what geographical path they were taking. Sadly, Google Maps let me down and said that it may not determine the directions from Macau to Istanbul. Please help, Giz!”

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – A martially trained dragon flies as the crow…DURING THE SKY. In case you won’t have a dragon and aren’t traveling with a musket, you can actually get from Macau to Istanbul in 15 hours, 35 minutes . As this is known that dragons fly at one third the velocity of recent commercial airliners, it’ll appear the space is approximately ONE HALF OF ONE PLANET.

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Q. Michael Petrucci (world’s greatest progressive rock drummer) asks: ” What form of screwdriver is needed to take the go into reverse the most recent iPhone 4?

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – THE FIVE STAR TORX, available from a whole lot of online vendors for under a fiver.

Q. Michael Yin asks: ” How do I pay tickets for their face value in place of also paying the TicketMaster convenience charge and order processing fee?”

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THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – USE A SCALPER.

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Q. Will Fanguy (nee Young Willie Fanboy) writes: ” So how do I explain to my girlfriend that I just bought an Android phone off-contract when that cash was speculated to pay for our Christmas vacation? Yes, this can be time-sensitive. I must go home eventually!”

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – CALL HER FROM ” PRISON,” where you have been locked up for a criminal offense YOU FAILED TO COMMIT. an easy unpaid parking ticket perhaps. IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING you’ll explain to her later, but you did unfortunately ought to use the vacation money to pay your fine. But you obtain the phone in jail from your pimp.

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Q. Jim Ulrich writes: ” If Intel was still using the x86 designation for the processors like they did until now (286,386, 486, etc), where would they be now? 1086? 1286?”

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – TECHNICALLY THE PENTIUM was a ” 586″ , which would make the Pentium 4 a ” 686″ , the Pentium 5 a ” 786″ , and the Pentium M the ” N86″ . ALL OTHER MODERN PROCESSORS are referred to now internally at Intel by the designation ” x87″ .

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Q. Michael ” No Star” Stanciu writes: ” Lost my star a couple of months ago when I slipped up and made a dumb comment. It’s been ages and I will’t seem to get it back. Life as a ” gray” commenting on Gizmodo has proved to be difficult and frequently dull (except when commenting on #whitenoise ). Can you employ your magical powers to make me a celebrity commenter once again?”

THE ANSWER FOLLOWS – I’LL.

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This post is tagged: encapsulation, guiding light, happenstance, intellectual superiority, prepaid phone, social marketing