Lightning Review: Avatar on DVD [Review]

Is there a more depressing product on our nation’s shelves than the the non-3D Blu-ray of James Cameron’s dragon sex fantasy cartoon? Only one: Avatar on DVD.

Did you prefer Avatar? No, not the most recent, bespectacled theater experience, or your first 3D movie, or whatever the word ” Avatar” is shorthand for for your brain. I’m talking concerning the movie-its plot, its aesthetic, its dialog. Basically, what I’m asking is, did you spot Avatar in 2D, and still think it was pretty cool?

Well, guy, you’re in for a treat! This version of Avatar includes, like, 75% more Avatar. You furthermore mght get to hear and notice James Cameron talking about how he conceived of and made an important film ever made! There’s a lot of fan service here.
It truly is one of the crucial few situations where it’s fair to guage a movie numerically, I believe. Among the many casualties of the DVD transfer process I’ve counted thus far:

• One less dimension
• 1,866,240 fewer pixels per frame (assuming 2k in theaters)

That’s, like, over 90% of the movie missing right there. Not fair? I believe this is. This movie was a film, sure, but a tech demo first. Without help from Panasonic and 2 oversized glasses… well, maybe it’s good to watch this thing, to only know the way profoundly you’ve been tricked.

Belongings you won’t have noticed through all of the awesome floating 3D plants, and 3D dragons, and 3D battle scenes, and 3D Na’vi breasts :

This is a movie about a cartoonish villain killing blue cat furries to harvest something called ” Unobtanium”

This is a movie about a man who rapes a dragon until it loves him, then immediately abandons that dragon for an improved dragon

This is a movie about JuJuBes

This movie is Pocahontas

This movie has the line, ” You might be Omaticaya now. You can make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you’ll choose a lady. Now we have many fine women. Ninat is the ideal singer.”

This is a movie about hairfucking

This movie has Giovanni Ribisi

This is a movie with the cultured vision of a Winamp skin

This is a movie inspired wholly by that desktop background with the blue mushroom.

This is a movie about James Cameron being happy with never having read or seen a proper work of sci-fi, ever

This is a movie about… Pandora!

Save you money, turn your TV’s color balance to MAXIMUM BLUE and just watch an old VHS of Fern Gully.

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This post is tagged: dimension 1, documentaries, fan service, james cameron, many casualties, sex fantasy, theater experience