A Foursquare Mayor Lays Down The Law [Fiction]

Dec 2nd 2010
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If the Foursquare mayor of your favorite place gave a speech before all of his constituents, what would he say? Would he be kind and wise? Or would he be a cocky idiot like the single in this fictional example?

I’m the Foursquare mayor of this goddamn Safeway, people, you better believe it. And in case you don’t believe it, I’ve got my mayorship badge here on my iPhone screen, posers. And in case you don’t believe THAT I’ve got a genuine email from Foursquare in my Hotmail inbox, losers. Read it and weep.

First of all I’d wish to say-sir, in case you could put down that bag of food and pay a bit attention here-that I even have no intention of being a type of ” in absentia” mayors. You most likely could’ve guessed as much since I’ve been sleeping within the cart corral since Wednesday. No, I’m going to run Safeway #1519 exactly an analogous way I ran Circle K #394 and only slightly differently than the manner I’m currently ruling Mikey Boy’s Pad: with an IRON FIST. I don’t understand how Stephen P. handled stuff around here in his mayorship heyday, but based on the undeniable fact that he’s GONE NOW, I’m going to move out on a limb and assume he wasn’t exactly mayor material. Unlike me, no less than.

You like to see my résumé? No, go ahead. Seriously. Take it. And no, that’s not a typo, I am currently holding down twenty-four mayorships. You’re damned right it’s loads of responsibility, but you’ll find by my ” Crunked” and ” Bender” badges that I know when to take a break and break away. Knowing when to prevent and party down is vital whenever you’re running the sort of hardcore operation I’m running.

Did you see I’m currently the Foursquare mayor of Phoenix City Hall? Do you even know what meaning? I’ll let you know what it means: it means I’m type of almost LITERALLY THE MAYOR. I don’t think you appreciate how difficult that was to nail down; that you can’t just sleep within the parking zone there the best way you may here. Oh no. They’ve got security, they’ve got cameras. You’ve got to place a while in over there, boy. Working hours only. And they’re pretty rigid on the definition of ” loitering.” Luckily, I’ve got a delinquent child support thing occurring directly that keeps me in court a whole lot.

No, I don’t want an application. Why would i would like an application? Are you even listening to me here? I’m the FOURSQUARE MAYOR. If I wished your job i’ll take it, much like that, you better believe it. It happened to that kid at Burger King #1239 for a couple of minutes, and it may possibly sure as shit happen to you. I’ve worked grocery retail before. Frozen food night crew. Almost five months, look it up. There’s not a Foursquare badge for a shit-kicking work ethic, but if there were you better believe I may show it to you on my phone without delay.

So as I was saying, you may get used to seeing my good-looking mug around here. I’m going to move ahead and take down my lean-to inside the parking zone and install shop inside the employee lounge. Ordinarily I’d want a locker for my valuables, too, but I had to pawn my switchblade and my Swatch watch to pay my cellular phone bill so that’s not likely critical. Ha, seems like someone deserves the ” Overshare” badge, am I right?

Yeah. I’m right.

Wait, hold on, I just got an email. What the? Oh, you have to be kidding me, I’ve been ousted by that fucking slacker Stephen P.?!?

Okay, where the hell are you, Stephen P.? SHOW YOURSELF. Are you that squirrelly little punk there over by the deli? No, don’t tell me, I don’t need any help with my interrogation, I’ve been through this lots of times, comes with the territory. I’m about to unlock the kicking ass and taking names badge all through this goddamn place. Stephen P.’s gonna get the risk to kiss my royal ass. Go back to Starbucks #3062 , STEPHEN P.!

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