Santa’s Privacy Policy [Humor]

At Santa’s Workshop, your privacy is critical. What follows is an evidence of the way Santa’s Workshop collects and safeguards your own information; the type of knowledge it collects; and your choices in regards to the use and disclosure of this data.

Why Will we Need This knowledge?

Santa Claus requires your information in an effort to compile his annual list of Who is Naughty and Who is sweet, and to confirm accuracy when he checks it twice. Your information could also be used in connection with delivering the types of goods and services you’ve come to expect from Santa, including but not limited to toys, games, good cheer, merriment, Christmas spirit, seasonal joy, and holly jollyness.

What Information Will we Collect?

We obtain information from quite a lot of sources. Much of it comes from unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children worldwide listing specific items they might desire to receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey more information in addition, corresponding to the baby’s hopes and dreams, how much they love Santa, and which of their siblings are doodyheads.

The letters also provide another important piece of knowledge-fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List. We also harvest a saliva sample from the flap of the envelope wherein the letter arrives with a view to establish a baseline genetic identity for each correspondent. This is often used to see if there may well be an inherent predisposition for naughtiness. A detailed handwriting analysis is performed as element of a comprehensive personality workup, and tells us which children are advancing nicely with their cursive and that are still stubbornly forming block letters with crayons long gone the age when here is appropriate.

Our network of fully trained, duly deputized mall ” Santas” file reports from the sphere, telling us which children are well-behaved, which might be elf-phobic, which can be liable to sphincter control issues, and which can be squirmy beard-pulling monstrous little brats. Digital copies of photos involved in these ” Santas” are automatically sent to our database for further evaluation, with particular attention given to the ones where the kids are crying.

Santa also employs a mystical method of observation also known as ” remote viewing.” This allows him to determine you whenever you’re sleeping, know if you’re awake, and know in case you’ve been bad or good. He even knows if the cookies you’re leaving out are homemade or store-bought.

What Can we Do With the tips We Collect?

Sharing is without doubt one of the joys of Christmas. For that reason, we share your individual information with our affiliates, non-affiliated third parties, and anyone else who has a sound financial stake in a successful holiday season. Mrs. Claus also likes to have a look-see.

Our affiliates include partners of Santa’s Workshop who are actively fascinated with making Christmas happen. They include toy-making elves, flying reindeer, and Jesus. Non-affiliated third parties might include the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry.

We might also share your information with mental health practitioners-especially if, as a baby, you asked for a specific present every Christmas but never got it. This data gives your analyst a more robust understanding of why you typically feel sad at the moment of year and why you resent your parents.

Occasionally we share your Christmas wish lists with professional lyricists seeking inspiration for a catchy holiday song. Before this data has inspired such holiday favorites as ” All I would like for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,” ” All I would like for Christmas is You,” ” My Grown-Up Christmas List,” and ” Santa Baby.” Should your wish list inspire successful single, you are going to be entitled to royalties, payable within the kind of sleighfuls of Christmas cheer.

Finally, we make note of the condition of your roof and chimney for the duration of our Christmas Eve deliveries. We share this data with appropriate third-party contractors, who may contact you to warn that your aging roof will soon be leaking worse than Julian Assange, or that you’ll die on your sleep of carbon monoxide poisoning in case you don’t replace your chimney liner instantly.

How Can we Secure This knowledge?

We secure your information by keeping it at the North Pole, one of the vital remote, inhospitable and uninhabitable places in the world. It’s miles stored in a secure gingerbread facility deep inside the Candy Cane Forest, behind an impassable barrier conjured by Elven magic. The power is guarded by a whole brigade of life-size wooden toy soldiers armed with Nerf Blasters and Super Soakers. The world can be patrolled by ravenous polar bears.

You Have Choices

You have ” opt out” choices regarding certain disclosures we make about you. Please indicate your preferences below:

____ I’ll be nice. Please collect, collate, analyze, disseminate and disclose my personal information in any respect you spot fit. I take into account that my cooperative attitude will probably be taken under consideration when it comes time to compile the Naughty/Nice list next year.

____ I’ll be naughty. Please don’t share my personal information with anyone. You can still use it only with the intention that I get as lots of the specific items on my list as possible. I remember that my uncooperative attitude carries the danger that a lump of bituminous coal shall be deposited in my stocking annually, either for the period of my life or until I modify my preferences.

You may forward your completed form to: Santa Claus, c/o Santa’s Workshop, The North Pole. Or you can retain it in your own records-it doesn’t matter. Whether your form is on file with Santa or not, he’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.

Please allow twelve days of Christmas to your choices to take effect.

Image by Dean Mitchell/ ShutterStock

McSweeney’s is an independent publisher based in San Francisco that publishes books, a quarterly fiction journal, a quarterly film DVD magazine, a monthly culture magazine, and an everyday humor website. The McSweeney’s iPhone app is obtainable throughout the Apple store. For additional info, visit mcsweeneys.net .

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This post is tagged: block letters, christmas spirit, genetic identity, handwriting analysis, hopes and dreams, predisposition, unsolicited letters